The Complete Catalogue & Order Form
Every item this company will sell you, every price, the terms, the territory, and an order coupon which the Legal Department has read exactly once and has asked not to be shown again. Prices are f.o.b. the Enrichment Center loading dock, Upper Michigan, and are held from the winter list except where the President has personally raised them.
If it is in this catalogue we have built one. If it is not in this catalogue we have very probably built one anyway, and you may write and ask, and the answer will come back from the third floor in the President’s hand, and it will usually be yes and occasionally be a question about what you intend to do with it.
Price List
Aperture Science Innovators — Complete price list, Spring 1959, f.o.b. Upper Michigan
| Cat. No. | Item | Unit | Price | Available |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 201-G | Shower curtain, Institutional Grey, 72 × 72 in., twelve grommets | Each | $4.20 | Stock. Always stock. |
| 201-W | Shower curtain, Institutional Grey (Warm) | Each | $4.20 | Stock |
| 201-X | Shower curtain, green | Each | $4.20 | Not issued |
| 201-L | Shower curtain, 72 in. × 4,000 ft., special | Each | On application | One made. Hung. See ASI-201. |
| 202-A | Aperture, fixed emplacement, pair | Pair | $6,200 | Six weeks |
| 202-B | Portable Quantum Tunnelling Device, complete | Each | $14,750 | Eleven weeks. Not a door. |
| 203 | Repulsion gel, industrial | Gallon | $60 | Stock. 40 sq. ft. per gal. |
| 204 | Propulsion gel, industrial | Gallon | $60 | Stock. Stopping sold separately. |
| 204-F | Arrest, none | — | No charge | Our most popular arrangement |
| 205 | Conversion gel, lunar substrate, 200 mesh | Pound | On application | Limited |
| 206 | Weighted storage cube, standard | Each | $38 | Stock. Stores nothing. |
| 206-C | Weighted storage cube, marked | Each | — | Not for sale. Do not ask. |
| 207-A | Aerial Faith Plate, floor-mounted | Each | $1,140 | Four weeks. Mind the ceiling. |
| 208 | Pneumatic Diversity Vent, per 100 ft. | Run | $2,400 | Eight weeks. Not for mail. |
| 209 | Material Emancipation Grill | Each | $3,100 | Ten weeks. Dental not included. |
| 210 | Heimlich Counter-Manoeuvre, instruction | Course | $12 | Applications still being determined |
| 211 | Take-A-Wish Foundation | — | Wishes only | Money returned |
| 212 | Sentry, Aperture | — | — | In development. Not for sale. |
| 307 | Cake, celebration, per unit | Each | n/a | See Form ASI-307. Commissary declines. |
| Ω-01 | Combustible fruit, per gross | Gross | — | Not a programme |
Prices f.o.b. the Enrichment Center loading dock. Quantity discounts on the curtain only. The curtain is the only line on which this company has ever offered a discount and the President has said it is the only line that has earned one.
Terms Of Sale
Terms
- Prices f.o.b. Upper Michigan. Freight by the DSS&A spur, 2.6 miles, to the buyer’s carrier.
- Payment net thirty days. Cash on the curtain. The President prefers cash on everything and will say so.
- Delivery to any point in the continental United States and its territories, except as noted below.
- No delivery to New Mexico. Sales has been asked why and has referred the enquiry to the third floor, where it has been answered at length.
- No delivery by pneumatic vent. The vent is not for mail, is not for parcels, and has been asked to stop.
- The buyer accepts Form ASI-900 in full on signature of the order coupon, whether or not the buyer has read it, and Sales would like it noted that no buyer ever has.
- Apertures are sold in pairs and are not doors. The buyer agrees not to describe them as doors in correspondence.
- Substrate is sold only to buyers who have signed the mask undertaking and only in quantities the President has personally approved.
Order Coupon
Cut Here — Post To Sales & Manufacturing, Upper Michigan — Or Bring It To The Dock
Order Form ASI-299.
By signing, the buyer accepts Form ASI-900 in its entirety. The Legal Department has read this coupon once, has asked that the previous sentence be set in the largest type on the page, and has been told that it is set in the same type as everything else, which in this building is the compliment.
“If it is in the catalogue we have built one. If it is not, we have very probably built one anyway.”
He reads the intended-use line on every coupon. Every one. He wrote back to a man in Ohio about two faith plates and the man wrote back and now they correspond. I have never been told what the plates are for. — C.
Cave JohnsonPresident & FounderSpring 1959 price list. Every price personally set. Every price personally held.
Form ASI-299. Full descriptions of every item are at the form numbers given; the catalogue index is at the Products sheet. Terms are governed by Form ASI-900. Catalogue number Ω-01 does not correspond to any product and Sales has been asked to remove it and cannot, because it is in the standing type, and the standing type was locked by somebody who is not on the payroll.