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Aperture LaboratoriesEnrichment CenterWe Do What We Must Because We Can
Established 1943Upper Michigan, U.S.A.
Internal extension only
Form No.ASI-82-100
DepartmentOffice of the Chief Executive
Issued1982
ClassificationUnrestricted
RevisionDictated on tape, from bed. Transcribed by C.
The 1982 Printing

Aperture Laboratories, 1982

The 1982 printing. Testing is mandatory for all employees, the moon rocks are pure poison, and the Chief Executive is dictating from his bed about lemons and about a computer.

Dictated by Cave Johnson, Chief Executive Officer. The coughing has been left in at the Chief Executive’s instruction. He says it is data.

Welcome to the enrichment center. [cough] The sheets below were struck in 1982 on the same press as every printing before them, on a stock the print shop has stopped apologising for. The Chief Executive is upstairs. He is dictating. He would like you to test as fast as possible.

Form ASI-82-101

Cave Johnson

[cough] Since making test participation mandatory for all employees, the quality of our test subjects has risen dramatically.
See page →Form ASI-82-205

Conversion Gel

Seventy million dollars of moon rocks, ground up, mixed into a gel. Pure poison. A great portal conductor.
See page →Form ASI-82-Ω-01

Lemons

When life gives you lemons? Don’t make lemonade. Dictated openly this time, on tape, so everybody hears it a hundred times a day.
See page →Form ASI-82-403

Brain Mapping

If we can store music on a compact disc, why can’t we store a man’s intelligence and personality on one?
See page →Form ASI-82-Ω-02

Succession

If I die before you people can pour me into a computer, I want Caroline to run this place. She’ll argue. You make her.
See page →Form ASI-82-302

Employee Testing

Quality of subjects: risen dramatically. Employee retention: has not.
See page →Form ASI-82-603

1981 Committee

Permanently recessed. An open-ended contract to continue the portal and the counter-manoeuvre. We did not ask how.
See page →Form ASI-82-703

Memoranda

Test’s over. You can head on back to your desk.
See page →Form ASI-82-Ω-10

Caroline

Mr. Johnson, I don’t want this.
See page →
“Since making test participation mandatory for all employees, the quality of our test subjects has risen dramatically. Employee retention, however, has not.”
— Cave Johnson, 1982, on tape
APERTURE LABORATORIES
ENRICHMENT CENTER
TEST SUBJECT APPLICATION PROCESS   v1.07   (C) 1982

  ALL EMPLOYEES ARE TEST SUBJECTS.
  THIS APPLICATION IS THEREFORE A FORMALITY.
  PLEASE COMPLETE IT ANYWAY.

  NAME ............................  [ON FILE]
  DEPARTMENT ......................  [ON FILE]
  NEXT OF KIN .....................  [SEE DEPARTMENT]
  WOULD ANYONE FILE A REPORT IF
  YOU WENT MISSING? (Y/N) .........  _

  PRESS ANY KEY TO BEGIN TESTING.
  THERE IS NO KEY TO DECLINE.

On The Name

The company is Aperture Laboratories now. The Chief Executive was asked, on tape, when this happened and by whom, and said that a laboratory is a place where things are found out and that he had found out a great deal lately, [cough], and that the sign was already up. The sign was already up.

Readers who began with the 1976 printing will note that the bean counters have been overruled on the subject of the moon. Readers who began with the 1959 printing will note that a man who buys the moon on credit has stopped asking what it costs. He has not stopped asking what it conducts.
he said it on tape so everybody hears it a hundred times a day. i have heard it a hundred times a day. i have counted