Products & Divisions
Thirteen sheets covering everything this company will sell you, everything it will lease you, and two things it will give you free of charge on the condition that you sign the form and do not read the form.
The list below is ordered by the year the product entered manufacture, which means it opens with a shower curtain and closes with a machine that talks. Nobody in Sales considers this an accident.
Form ASI-201
Shower Curtains
The product that built this company. Still in the catalogue. Still the best on the market.
See page →Form ASI-202Tunnelling Device
Two holes. One here, one there. Legal insists we mention that it is not a door.
See page →Form ASI-203Repulsion Gel
Originally a dietetic pudding substitute. The dietetic application did not survive contact with a spoon.
See page →Form ASI-204Propulsion Gel
Makes a man run faster than a man has any business running. Stopping is sold separately.
See page →Form ASI-205Conversion Gel
Ground lunar substrate in suspension. Excellent conductor. Catastrophic to inhale.
See page →Form ASI-206Storage Cube
It weighs a great deal and it stores nothing. Both of these are features.
See page →Form ASI-207Faith Plate
Throws a man across a room. The faith is required on the part of the man.
See page →Form ASI-208Diversity Vent
Moves objects, documents and occasionally personnel at ninety miles per hour through a tube.
See page →Form ASI-209Emancipation Grill
Removes from a volunteer any object he ought not to be carrying. Fillings are an object.
See page →Form ASI-210Counter-Maneuver
For lodging an object more firmly. The applications are, admittedly, still being determined.
See page →Form ASI-211Take-A-Wish
A charitable arm that collects wishes from the terminally ill and puts them to industrial use.
See page →Form ASI-212Sentry Turret
Presently in development. Presently very polite. Presently unarmed, in most models.
See page →Form ASI-299Order Form
Every item, every price, and a coupon the Legal Department has read exactly once.
See page →Prices on application. Delivery from the Enrichment Center loading dock, Upper Peninsula. We do not ship to New Mexico. We know exactly why you are asking.
theres a product line that isnt in here. its fruit. thats all im putting on the wall