Skip to the document
Aperture ScienceInnovatorsWe Do What We Must Because We Can
Established 1943Upper Michigan, U.S.A.
Telephone ENrichment 9-0943
Form No.ASI-302
DepartmentEnrichment Center Operations
IssuedSpring 1959
ClassificationUnrestricted — Binding On Signature
RevisionEleventh revision
Compensation$60.00 cash
$60 CashSame Day
Form ASI-302 — Enrichment Center Operations

Volunteer Application

One afternoon of your time and the ordinary use of your body, in exchange for sixty dollars in cash, paid the same day, by a man at a window, out of a tin. No references. No experience. No questions from us and, we would ask, not too many from you.

Issued under the authority of Cave Johnson, President & Founder

$60Cash, same dayFrom the tin
1AfternoonOrdinarily
18–60Age rangeFlexible at both ends
0References requiredNone. Ever.
4,118Volunteers to dateSince 1954

Who We Want

Astronauts. War heroes. Olympians. Men of demonstrated physical excellence who have already done something difficult and frightening and would like to do another one on a Tuesday for sixty dollars.

That is the preference and it is a strong one, and it is also, the Enrichment Center will concede, an aspiration rather than a description of the queue at the gate. We take the men who come. We have taken longshoremen, machinists, two clergymen, a professional dancer and a man who would only give his occupation as “between things”, and every one of them produced usable data.

You are here because we want the best, and if you are reading this page there is a reasonable chance you are it.

Report to the gate
Report to the gate
Enter one aperture
Enter one aperture
Momentum is conserved
Momentum is conserved
Refreshment follows
Refreshment follows

The Form

Aperture Science Innovators — Volunteer Application, Form ASI-302

Full name
Address
Occupation
Age
Height / Weight
Blood type(if known — if not known, the gate will find out)
Next of kin(optional; four volunteers in sixteen years have completed this line)
Distinguishing marks(for the file. There is a reason for this line and it is not a good one.)

The applicant certifies the following

  • I am in general good health and have said so out loud.
  • I am participating voluntarily and may withdraw at any time up to the sealing of the chamber door.
  • I understand that the chamber door seals when I enter it.
  • I waive all claims arising from bodily injury of any character.
  • I waive all claims arising from injury of a character not presently anticipated by medicine.
  • I waive all claims arising from spatial displacement.
  • I waive all claims arising from temporal displacement.
  • I consent to the retention of all data generated by my participation, in perpetuity.
  • I have read Form ASI-900 in full.
  • I have not read Form ASI-900 in full and am signing anyway.
The eleventh revision of this form added the final two lines, after the Legal Department observed that in four years not one applicant had ticked the ninth and every single one had ticked it anyway.
Signature
Date
Witnessed by(a man at the gate. He has held the job since 1951.)
Bring the completed form to the gate house at the head of Shaft 09. Do not post it. Nothing posted to the Enrichment Center has ever arrived, and the Correspondence sheet explains why at some length.

What The Afternoon Involves

You will arrive at the gate house at eight. You will be given coffee, a numbered coat, and a short talk by a man from Operations who has given it four thousand times and is very good at it. You will descend. The descent takes eleven minutes and there is nothing to see.

You will be shown a chamber. In the chamber there will be a device, an aperture, a cube, or some arrangement of the three. You will be asked to do something simple and you will be watched while you do it. Between chambers you may sit down. Between chambers you may leave.

At around three o’clock the testing concludes. You will ascend. At the top you will be given your sixty dollars from a tin by a man at a window, and you will be invited down to the commissary for refreshment, congratulation, and cake.

You will be asked, once, whether you would care to come back. Roughly a third do. The Enrichment Center does not press the question and has never pressed the question and would like that understood as the compliment it is.

Cut Here — Present At The Gate House, Shaft 09

Good For One Afternoon.

Bearer
____________________
Report to
Gate house, head of Shaft 09, 0800
Compensation
$60.00, cash, on ascent
Bring
This coupon. Nothing else.
Do not bring
Metal. Any metal. Including fillings.
Verifying personnel file…

Eleven. Not four. Eleven. And seven of the eleven were in the same fortnight in 1956 and nobody has ever asked me why. — C.

Gate House — Head Of Shaft 09Remove All Metal Before DescentForm ASI-302

Cave JohnsonPresident & FounderForm ASI-302, eleventh revision. Approved for printing.

By completing this form you accept Form ASI-900 in its entirety, whether or not you have ticked the line saying so. The Legal Department has asked that this sentence be set in the same size as the rest of the page, and for once the Legal Department got what it asked for.
2801 read the form and went home. be one of the 2801. please be one of the 2801