The Aperture Bulletin, 1976
Company news. The 1959 Bulletin ran to twelve pages a quarter and had a bowling column. This one runs to a sheet, once, and has nine paragraphs about the elevator, because the elevator is where the news is.
There is no bowling league this year. There is no commissary this year. There is an elevator, and there is a great deal to say about it, and the Chief Executive has said it, over the public-address system, to the lower levels, and it is reproduced here for those personnel who were not on the lower levels and who have asked what the thumping was.
Concerning The Elevator
- The elevator is an elevator.
- The elevator goes down to the spheres and it comes back up. That is the whole of it.
- The elevator is not a bathroom. This on? [thump thump] Hey. Listen up down there. That thing’s called an elevator. Not a bathroom.
- The elevator has carried astronauts. It is to be treated as though it still does.
- The elevator is not a waiting room. The waiting room is a waiting room. It has chairs. It is a damn sight more comfortable.
- The elevator is not to be used for the storage of belongings. If you had any belongings, please pick them up now.
- The elevator is not to be used by volunteers carrying rifles. Volunteers carrying rifles have followed the yellow line and are to be returned to it.
- The elevator has been cleaned. Thank you to Greg. Greg is fine.
- The elevator is an elevator. The Chief Executive has asked that this be said twice, once at each end, because he counts at both ends.
Bowling League
There is no bowling league. In the winter of 1958 Mr. Pike bowled alone on both lanes and took the final to the last frame. Mr. Pike has been asked whether he would do so again. Mr. Pike has said that the lanes are gone. The lanes are gone. Mr. Pike remains at the gate, and has a drawer, and the drawer is not the subject of this Bulletin.
Commissary
The commissary is closed. The blancmange is remembered. Personnel are reminded that the waiting room has a machine, that the machine takes a dime, and that the Chief Executive has asked whether a voucher would do, and has been told by the machine that it would not.
Employee Of The Month
Greg. Greg has been Employee of the Month for every month since the honour was reduced to one candidate, and has accepted every month with the same expression, and is fine. Greg cleaned the elevator. See above.
Departures
Legal. The Legal Department departed in the spring with its one page of the 1959 publication under its arm and has not been replaced. Personnel with legal questions are directed to the Chief Executive, who will answer them, and whose answers are not legal.
Births, Marriages
None recorded. Caroline remains married to science. The Chief Executive has been asked whether he intends to say “sorry, fellas” again this year and has said that there are no fellas this year, only volunteers, and that the volunteers are not to be told.
From The Waiting Room
Volunteers are reminded that the glass is not to be smudged, that the additional sixty dollars is still available, and that a man who has been taken apart and put back together is entitled to one further twenty minutes in the waiting room, on the same chair, if he can find it.
Notice Concerning Test Shaft 09
From The Office Of The Chief Executive
Test Shaft 09 was condemned on 15 June 1961. The sign on the hatch says so, and the sign is correct, and is not to be replaced. Personnel with offices in Test Shaft 09 are reminded that the shaft is condemned and are asked to keep their doors closed so that the condemnation is not disturbed. Personnel who have dated correspondence from inside the shaft 1971, 1972 and 1976 are asked to stop dating it, or to stop being inside the shaft, and the Chief Executive has said he does not mind which.
Correspondence
A letter has been received from Margaret, who won the science fair at the 1959 Bring Your Daughter To Work Day with a potato battery that ran a bulb, and who is now twenty-eight and writes from a university the Chief Executive has asked not to be named in print. Margaret asks whether the potato is still functioning.
The potato is still functioning. It has been on the Chief Executive’s desk since April 1959, under the number on the wall, and it is still functioning, and the Chief Executive has asked that this be printed in the largest type the sheet allows, and Personnel has printed it in the type the sheet allows.
There is no Bring Your Daughter To Work Day this year. There are no daughters this year. The Chief Executive has said that there will be one again, and that when there is, the potato will be there, and that he expects to be beaten.
He read her letter twice and put it in the drawer with the other one. — C.
“This on? [thump thump]”
CarolinePersonnel; the board; the BulletinCompiled 1976. One issue. Photocopied twice, which is once more than there were readers.